Apparently you make a good broom.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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