Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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