My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
