I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
