i just wanna soil my oats bro
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
