Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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