I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
