oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
