I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
