We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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