Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
