I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
