i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
