It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
