If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
