She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
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