and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
