Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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