On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
