I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
