You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
my phone needs a breathalizer
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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