Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
