Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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