Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
