halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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