mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
