I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
