How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
My liver just had a heart attack.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
