i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
