We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
