I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
