i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
