Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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