When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
