I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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