Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
