I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Ladies don't puke and tell
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