what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
