Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
