You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
