So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
