she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
