When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
