i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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