The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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