apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
