I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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