I faked an abortion last night.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
