Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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