You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
