sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
