It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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