the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
