Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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