fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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